All or Nothing Read online

  “You didn’t have to bring us anything, Carter!” Donna protested and the others agreed. I shook my head.

  “I know I didn’t have to, but it’s been a while since I got to do this…” I shrugged helplessly and glanced at Remmy for guidance. “I wanted to.”

  Donna smiled at the scented candle, then stood and surprised me by pulling me into a tight hug. “It’s a wonderful gift, thank you, Carter. I love it.”

  Feeling my face flush, I continued to hand out Lindt chocolate for Remmy’s sisters and their husbands and crayons and coloring books and sticker sets for the kids to share. I hadn’t known exactly how many people would be there for the gift exchange, but I ended up with something for everyone. When the bag was empty, I received another round of thanks and hugs from the entire family. It was an incredible feeling. The little ones squealed and shouted some more before they each hugged me in turn, as well.

  “I’m going to make everyone a picture!” Tara proclaimed excitedly. She ripped open the box of crayons and started drawing in a notebook on the floor in front of the tree.

  When everyone was occupied, Remmy held out a stocking to me. “Your turn. Go on, take a look.”

  I laughed as I unwrapped the mug that said, “I licked you, so you’re mine now.” It was black with white lettering and had a colorful lollipop below the words. Remmy had filled the mug with little packs of M&Ms, Starburst, and Skittles. Great minds think alike, I mused.

  Remmy watched me with a shy smile and sparkling eyes. He was so adorable it physically hurt to look at him. I shook my head, unable to form words, and my heart was suddenly beating in overtime. The silly mug was exactly what I would have expected from Remmy. Once he trusted someone enough to let them pass through the wall he’d built around himself to keep people at arm’s length, Remmy let them see the many facets of his personality. Right now, he was looking at me with such open adoration it took my breath away. Damn, I could fall into Remmy’s eyes, like falling into a pool of dark honey.

  I set his gifts on the floor and scooted closer to gather him in a hug. “Thank you, Rem. This is the best Christmas ever.”

  He wound his arms around me and pressed his lips to my cheek. “I’m glad. I’m also having the best time with you here. Thank you for staying.”

  There was no way anyone could mistake us for just friends. I squeezed him hard. That was more than okay with me. “I’m glad I let you talk me into it.”

  Remmy chuckled and held on just a little longer. Tears prickled at the corners of my eyes. I was so moved by this unexpected turn of events. A couple of days ago, I wouldn’t have dared to imagine celebrating a holiday about love and giving with such wonderful people. It had been a long time since I’d been surrounded by so many happy faces. I missed my parents dearly, but Remmy and his family reminded me I still had a lot of love to give and it was okay to accept it in return when offered. They had welcomed me with open arms and shown me once more what it means to love and care for one another. It truly was one of the best Christmases I’d ever had.

  We spent the afternoon building a fort with the little ones in the living room, followed by a few rounds of charades, a Christmas-themed memory game and Monopoly with Oliver, Patrick, and Roberto while the girls and Remmy’s parents prepared a treasure hunt for the kids.

  And like Remmy had promised, we went to Waffle House for Christmas dinner. It was yet another unique tradition I found fascinating and endearing as hell. Everyone ate too much but still found room for more of Donna’s rum cake once we returned home, and then we played board games and watched Pirates of the Caribbean. Turned out, the adults had enough of cheesy Christmas movies at that point and easily outvoted the kids on our final movie for the night. Who could say no to Johnny Depp?

  At some point, the kids got bored of the movie and began running around the house in their Christmas pajamas, chasing each other with their new toys and handfuls of sweets. Little Tara tried, unsuccessfully, to coax Peanut into joining their wild chase. The old dog had had enough fun for one day so continued her snooze in front of the fire.

  I’d never been so content and comfortable, and it was all due to the wonderful company and good food. Next to me, Remmy fidgeted with a throw pillow and shifted closer. The sofa wasn’t exactly small but it was a tight fit for three people. My fingers itched to reach out and brush the hair from Remmy’s face. He truly was something else, and his family had a certain charm I hadn’t encountered before. It had been a magical day, and I couldn’t put it into words what it meant to me.

  Remmy took my hand under the blanket we shared and entwined our fingers. I squeezed, making him grin dopily. Leaning in, I whispered next to Remmy’s cheek, “I adore your family.”

  “You’re nuts.” Remmy snickered. His expression radiated pure happiness and something unwound deep inside me. “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself and not plotting your escape just yet.”

  “At this point, you’ll have to chase after me with an ax if you want to get rid of me.”

  Remmy laughed wholeheartedly, and to me, it was the most beautiful sound in existence.

  ♥

  Chapter Thirteen

  Remmy

  The day after Christmas my extended family arrived—aunts and uncles, cousins from both my parents’ sides, my grandma, and more kids filled the house with laughter and loud conversation over a late lunch and even later dinner. We had more cakes, spiced ciders, and cocktails courtesy of Aunt Stacey. Everyone was warm and welcoming toward Carter, which made me extra grateful to have such a wonderful family. It was a loud and tiring affair but one I hoped he wouldn’t forget so easily.

  I half expected the enchantment we’d experienced to evaporate once we left that hotel room a few mornings ago, but it didn’t. Quite the opposite. Every hour we spent together was more magical than the previous, and even the most mundane things, like setting the table or taking Peanut for a quick walk around the neighborhood, were more fun with Carter. Every chance we got we’d trade comforting touches and caresses and sometimes steal a kiss or more when nobody was watching. Not because I was ashamed of Carter or embarrassed to be found making out with another guy in my family home, but because it was more fun that way. The secrecy gave me a bit of a thrill. Our eyes would meet, and then we’d grin at each other, and Carter would snicker like an enamored teenager, and I’d join in because, why not? It was exciting. Our banter was endless and Carter enjoyed entertaining the kids, which was the cutest thing ever. I was also grateful that he would go along with all my silly ideas and stupid pranks I loved playing on my siblings.

  After Christmas we fell into a routine that was somewhat familiar and yet strange. Together we made breakfasts and helped Mom with preparations for lunch and dinner, and sometimes we would go out, only the two of us, exploring the neighborhood I grew up in. One day I took Carter to meet my old high school friends who still lived here. We saw the latest blockbuster at the movie theater and stopped by a bar for drinks on the way home. Every day had been a lot fun.

  By the time New Year’s Eve rolled around, I’d become greedy and desperate for just a little longer together. I hoped Carter felt the same way, and maybe he did, because at night, when we were lying under the covers in my childhood bed, Carter held on a little tighter, kissed me a little longer.

  “Do we have to go back to school already?” I asked on the last night, with my head on Carter’s shoulder and my fingers playing with the frayed ends of the worn gray tee he’d been wearing to bed all week. I only got a long-suffering groan in response, which made me chuckle.

  I didn’t want this holiday season to ever end. Going back to college sounded like the worst idea ever. Returning to school after a few weeks away, back home with friends and family, was always hard, only this time it felt like I was leaving something important behind. Carter would still be there when we got back, I reminded himself. We’d get to see each other often, and there’d be enough time for us to continue what we started. Right? Were we boyfriends now? Did Carter w
ant to be? I knew I wanted it, more than I could say.

  Spending weeks in each other’s faces could have had the opposite effect than I’d been hoping for. It was possible Carter had seen too much, too fast and was fed up with me by now. I wasn’t anywhere near fed up with him, just to be clear. The longer I spent with Carter the more enamored I’d gotten with his antics. His company was simply the best. I didn’t know what I’d do if Carter decided one day he’d had enough of me. Such was the trouble with inviting love into my heart, the other person held enough power over me to hurt me in the worst ways.

  I had to remind myself that it didn’t feel like we’re already crumbling, so I took that as a good sign. Like right now. Turning, I found Carter staring at me like he didn’t quite believe I was real, a feeling I’d gotten used to myself. I took a step closer to where he sat at the edge of my bed. I liked having him here in my old bedroom. When I reached out to Carter, he hesitated to touch me, as if afraid of taking what he wanted from me.

  “Are you okay?” I worried he was building up to something I knew I wasn’t ready to hear. I didn’t want to let go of my dreams yet. I wanted more time, more Carter.

  His smile faded and my stomach sunk. “Sometimes, when I look at you, my heart stops for a moment, and I get scared of being too greedy. I’m afraid if I told you I want you all to myself you’d disappear.”

  “What are you talking about? I won’t just get up and leave,” I assured him and took Carter’s hand. “That’s ridiculous, Carter. Not now and not when we’re back in Allentown.”

  “I didn’t think you would run away, not quite so literally.” Carter gave me a wry smile. “But you might get bored of me fast. I don’t exactly have a lot to offer you.” He shrugged. “You’ll end up thinking I’m clingy and boring, and I couldn’t stand it.”

  In that moment everything was perfect.

  The surge of happiness spreading through me brought tears to my eyes. Being home with my family had brought back many memories, and the nostalgia hitting me was so strong it nearly knocked me off my feet. Nobody could know what would happen tomorrow. This might be the last time I’d get to spend with my favorite people in the world and having Carter here with me made it all the more special.

  “Don’t be silly. I’m not bored of you yet, so let’s not worry about something that might not happen, all right?” I sniffled and caught his hand. I gave his fingers a squeeze, relieved to know we shared the same fears. “So, does this mean you want to keep seeing me?” My voice shook a little. “Eh. Do people even say that in real life? You know what I mean. We could try dating for real, do couple-y things, go on trips together?”

  “You and me.” Carter’s smile was gentle and genuine, and I immediately returned it. “I like the sound of you and me.”

  “I do too.” A whole lot. Breathlessly, I pulled him closer, and closer. “So, can I call you my boyfriend now and tell everyone?”

  “Sure thing, Rem.” Feeling light-headed, I pinched his sides when he dove forward to nip my nose. “I don’t think we were fooling your parents anyway.”

  I laughed and agreed. Yeah, no way they didn’t already know.

  “They like me, don’t they?” Carter asked with such a fond and hopeful expression, his voice proud. I let out a choked giggle, all the prior nervousness vanishing into thin air. I beamed at my boyfriend. “They fucking love you, Carter.” Like I had known they would.

  Carter opened his arms, and then, as if second nature, I was back in his embrace. He smelled like spicy shower gel, and his skin was as warm as a campfire on a late summer night. His lips, when he kissed me, tasted of marshmallows with a hint of cinnamon, and then, best of all, soft against mine, yielding and demanding at the same time.

  His hands trailed down my sides and held onto my waist, and I loved the way this simple gesture made my throat close and my heart stutter.

  “Carter?”

  “Yeah?”

  His fingers, where they held onto my waist, dug into my skin. My breath caught in the back of my throat as the overwhelming power of my feelings swamped me. I lifted my head, waiting for his eyes to find mine.

  “I really, really like you.”

  “Remmy—”

  “Listen, Carter. I want you to know that this—us—means the fucking world to me.”

  Maybe I was crazy, and maybe wrong, too, but I could swear we had a connection, a closeness I’d never had with anyone else, and I didn’t want to ever lose it. We deserved a chance to find out where this could lead—if we could be happy together in an actual, adult relationship.

  I wanted that chance with all of my heart and soul, and I hoped Carter did too.

  “Same here, Rem,” Carter admitted, biting his lip. Did he feel as vulnerable as I did? A slight flush colored his smooth cheeks, and then, slowly, his face lit up with a blinding smile and he lowered himself down. “And guess what? I like you too,” he whispered, his breath tickling my lips. “Really, really like you.”

  Was this what falling in love felt like? It was scary and overwhelming, but I couldn’t get enough.

  ♥

  Epilogue

  Carter

  Two Years Later

  “Rem?” I called out, looking over my shoulder to find my boyfriend still engrossed in a splashing war with the two little girls—Amy and Annabelle—whose mom we’d befriended this morning over a cup of coffee at the inn where we were staying. The five-year-old twins were squealing as they ran in circles around Remmy, who sat cross-legged under a water fountain, splashing the kids like he was defending his waterfall throne from evil witches.

  I smiled to myself, happy to see Remmy enjoying our first winter wonderland adventure in the Pocono Mountains together. It was a popular vacation spot here in Northeast Pennsylvania, but I’d never had the money growing up, and Remmy’s family wasn’t big on skiing. I loved every first experience we shared. The simplest tasks were more fun with Remmy by my side.

  After two days of snowboarding, we’d spent all day today at the indoor water park, checking out the Flow Rider, the four-story slides, the wave pool, the activity pool and Remmy’s favorites, the hot tubs and snack shack.

  Sneaking up on my boyfriend—it still thrilled me to get to call him that—I put a hand on Remmy’s shoulder and squeezed. “We’re going to be late for our dinner reservation if we don’t get a move on.”

  Looking up, Remmy gave me a blinding smile, drops of water racing down his forehead, the slope of his nose, and over his lips. He looked adorable with his blue-and-purple hair clinging to his cheeks and neck. It was a difficult feat to keep myself from leaning forward to kiss those beautiful, wet lips. I didn’t want to give the parents lounging around the children’s pool something to talk about.

  “I’ll be right there.” Remmy nodded to the girls, whose turn it was to splash us with water. “Let me say goodbye to these two princesses here.”

  “All right. I’ll catch you by the snack bar,” I told him and stood, waving goodbye to Nadine, the kids’ mother.

  Picking up our rainbow-colored towels and my backpack on the way, I went through what I’d rehearsed for later. The waterfront view at Lake View Tavern was stunning, and I’d hoped it would make for the most perfect setting for tonight. Not only was it Christmas Eve—I had to book one year in advance to make sure this trip would be one to remember—but also I did have an ulterior motive.

  “A bottle of water and a cherry lollipop, please,” I told the guy behind the counter at the snack shack, handing him a five dollar bill in exchange. Pocketing the change, I slung the backpack over my shoulder and turned to see Remmy approaching with a big, goofy smile splitting his face in two. It was infectious, and I became giddy with the sort of excitement his presence always evoked.

  “You look happy.” I handed him the water bottle, but he reached for the lollipop instead, pointing the wrapped sweet at me. “So do you.”

  “Good, because I am happy.” I took a drink of the water before offering it to Remmy once more, but h
e shook his head and unwrapped the candy. My stomach dropped when he popped it in his mouth, closed his eyes, and groaned.

  “Same… Oh, mm, thanks for this sweet goodness,” he mumbled around the candy, his wet, colorful bangs falling wildly into his face. “Sugar, my savior. I bow before you.”

  “You’re so easy to please,” I teased and pulled him closer with a hand on his arm. “I don’t even need to try with you anymore.” I loved seeing the cheerful spark in those stunning golden eyes as they opened and focused on me. It never ceased to amaze me how Remmy still looked at me with such open adoration three and a half years after I first laid eyes on him.

  “Oh puh-leeze, as if you ever had to try with me.” He pulled the lollipop from between his lips, slowly, while batting his lashes at me. His fingers wrapped around my wrist, holding on lightly. “One look from you, and you had me basically eating out of your hand.”

  I didn’t know about that, but it flattered me to think he was hopeless when it came to me. If that wasn’t an ego booster I didn’t know what was. One thing I was sure of was how gone I had been for him since our shared snowstorm. Leaning in, I stole a quick, close-mouthed kiss and then threw an arm around Remmy’s shoulder and pulled him along.

  “I might have bought us something we could try out together,” I whispered close to his cheek, watching his redden before I could finish the sentence. He still blushed like a virgin, which was one more thing I loved about him. “Tonight,” I added along with a shoulder squeeze.

  “You ordered something online? From that shop we found?” Remmy literally squealed in excitement. He met my eyes dead-on. “What time is our reservation?”

  “Seven.” The red G-Shock around my wrist told me we were running late. “We have less than an hour to shower, get back to the inn, change…”