All or Nothing Read online

  Gordo shouted, “It hurts when I do it.”

  “Don’t force it. It can hurt. Your ligaments, the tissues that connect bones to each other are a lot tighter than mine. Most people can’t do it as easily. ”

  “That’s disgusting,” Gordo said.

  Carter laughed and nodded. “Guess it is.” He straightened in his chair, and his leg bumped into mine. He left it there. When he lowered his hands on the table, I itched to reach out and wrap my fingers around his. I didn’t. We hadn’t talked about how he felt about PDA, and I wasn’t sure yet whether I should touch him in front of my family anyway. Definitely not until I knew if he wanted me to.

  I never had a boyfriend I could bring home with me, and there was still a chance Carter wouldn’t want to date me after all this was over. For now, I simply enjoyed his closeness and our newfound friendship, hoping my family wouldn’t scare him off before we had more time together.

  Carter finally dug into his own cake and answered a few more questions until Mom told the kids to “Give it a rest” and “Let Carter drink his coffee in peace.” At some point, the discussions moved on to what everyone had been watching lately. I raved about the latest Killjoys season while Oliver explained to our mom what happened at the end of some new postapocalyptic movie that apparently was all the rage right now. She didn’t want to watch it but was curious about the ending. At the mention of the world ending, Rosa and Alessia brought up a new shampoo they saw at the mall and needed to try—probably before an actual apocalypse could strike—while Patrick, Roberto, and Dad debated over which documentary was worth watching. Patrick tried to convince Dad why Evil Genius was worlds better than his favorite: The Staircase.

  Tuning them out, I lost myself in a vivid daydream about last night. Carter on top of me, his fingers in my hair and tongue between my teeth. The strangled sound he made when I bit his neck. My cheeks warmed and my dick stirred. I nearly jumped when someone put a hand on my leg under the table. My head snapped up, startled. Carter’s lips quirked up at the corner and we shared a smile. Was it obvious where my thoughts had gone to? I glanced around the table, but nobody was paying us any attention.

  Mom told my sisters to get off their phones after they ignored her request to help cleaning up, and when Patrick and Oliver began arguing about some Xbox game I’d never heard of, Carter grinned and joined in the discussion. I didn’t know he played video games! There was a lot to uncover about Carter, which excited me to no end. I reached for Carter’s hand on my leg and wrapped my fingers around his. Why was this giving me such a rush? I was giddy and had too much energy to sit still for another minute.

  Afterward, the group split up and half the family gathered in the living room while the rest cleaned up in the kitchen. The kids sat around the Christmas tree in front of the TV, and Dad, Alessia and Patrick took the sofa. Carter and I ended up squished together on a loveseat, snacking on warm cheddar cheese popcorn and sipping homemade eggnog. On the TV, a young Macaulay Culkin was protecting his house from a pair of burglars in the most imaginative ways, but I barely saw a thing.

  Carter’s leg pressed up against mine and his fingers curled around my knee were everything. The contact was simple but had my heartbeat pounding in my ears like a bass drum. Having Carter this close affected me in the strangest way; it was embarrassing. At the same time, I wanted him to know what his touch was doing to me. Silently, I willed him to turn his head and look at me, hoping he’d notice my flushed cheeks.

  Our eyes would meet. I would lean in closer and closer. Then I’d tell him I want him to do naughty things to me. He’d flash me a wicked smile, pick me up, and take me to bed.

  Wait. What was happening to me? This was ridiculous.

  “What are you thinking about?” Carter nudged me with his shoulder, amused. I whipped my head around and swallowed a sudden lump in my throat. Damn. His blue eyes were intense and luminous. I wanted to drown in them. An ache bloomed in my chest. Leaning closer, I whispered, “I want to kiss you so bad right now.”

  “Gross,” Alessia shouted from our left and threw a pillow at us. It hit Carter in the head and bounced off him, falling on Gordo who sat in front of our chair.

  “Shut up.” I flipped her off and stuck out my tongue.

  Carter and Patrick laughed, and Gordo told us to be quiet.

  “We’re watching a movie!” said Tara very seriously. I told her sorry, and she glared at me like she couldn’t deal with our attitude right now. Boy, she’ll be such a joy when she hits puberty. I made a mental note not to be around for that.

  Carter snaked his arm around me and pulled me against his side. When his lips brushed my cheek, my heart tripped over itself. Yeah we probably weren’t fooling anyone.

  “Later,” he murmured close to my ear. I didn’t dare open my mouth and ruin the moment. Leaning against Carter, I closed my eyes and soaked up his warmth and enjoyed the moment.

  I couldn’t wait for later.

  ♥

  Chapter Twelve

  Carter

  Remmy curled his fingers around my T-shirt and pulled me down with him. Lying on his back atop the soft, gray bedding, his turquoise hair fanning out over the rumpled sheets, he dragged me closer and closer. His eyes fluttered open, but he still looked half asleep. I moved over him, slowly, to savor every moment of the newness we’d been exploring the past couple of nights. I loved touching him everywhere: chest, hips, knees, with Remmy’s hands on my shoulders and mine on his face, fingers ghosting along his soft skin. Dipping my head forward, I kissed him long and full, trying to tame the surge of joy in my heart. In my arms, Remmy was everything I could ever imagine wanting. Yesterday I’d been overwhelmed meeting Remmy’s family and, to my surprise, being welcomed with open arms into their brood.

  Alone with Remmy, I settled back into the comfort his nearness was beginning to give me. I gazed down at his disheveled and utterly fuckable look, and my heart started to race. The column of his neck begged to be kissed so I did, and Remmy stretched it out in open invitation. It was Christmas morning, and we were in Remmy’s childhood bedroom. Today, a lot of activities were planned, and sadly, undressing Remmy and having my way with him wasn’t one of them. At least not for some time. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a tiny bit disappointed though. Tonight couldn’t come quickly enough.

  As we lay there, Remmy snuggling close to me, he started telling me more about his childhood, and I listened to his fondest memories as he spoke with a smile on his lips.

  “When we were little, my parents would wrap books and we’d each open one every morning leading up to Christmas.” His bright amber eyes began to sparkle as he talked, his voice warm and fond and still a little rough from sleep.

  “What a great idea,” I said and meant it. Remmy pressed his hand against my chest, over my heart. His fingers curled around the thin fabric, his nails digging into the skin underneath. He nodded and closed his eyes, and I put my hand over his, holding him to me for as long as he’d indulge me.

  “When we got older, Mom would also get us art supplies, and Rosa, Alessia, and I would use them to make Christmas gifts for everyone. I remember how much Grandma liked the photo frame I made with sea shells from our trip to Italy the previous summer. She still has it sitting on her bedside table with a photo from said vacation.” His eyes didn’t just sparkle now—they practically glowed—and his smile was as bright as the morning sun.

  “That sounds really special.” I dipped my head and nuzzled his neck, dragging my nose along the inside of his throat and back up to his ear. His breath hitched and he snuggled even closer.

  “It was. I miss being ten years old when Christmas was this magical time and when every day felt endless and full of mysteries and excitement.” Remmy chuckled suddenly, saying, “One time, Dad used flour to leave fake Santa footprints all over the living room on Christmas Eve. Mom wasn’t impressed. At all.”

  “Was it bad?”

  “Bad? No. We were still young, but I remember it clearly. She made Da
d clean everything, and I mean everything, the whole house. It was funny.”

  Sensing there was more to come I remained quiet and listened attentively, curious to learn more about this guy I had fallen for so hard in such a short time.

  “Grandma took us kids shopping for toys that we would donate some days before Christmas. She made sure we would remember that there were families who didn’t have enough money and kids who didn’t have a family. The first time it hit me really hard. I was nine, maybe? I remember crying the whole night.” For a moment, Remmy was lost in another memory. He shook his head, and a sad smile appeared on his pink lips. “I remember Dad thought I was upset because I had to give away the toy I picked out, but it wasn’t that.”

  “You were sad knowing there were kids with less toys?” I guessed.

  Remmy nodded. “And kids without a family.”

  I pulled Remmy against my chest. I simply couldn’t not, and I held him close. I kissed the top of his head and whispered against his sea-green hair, “You’re so damn precious, Rem, do you know that?” Then I lowered my head to kiss Remmy—chastely this time, barely more than a brushing of lips.

  “I was so heartbroken,” Remmy said in a small voice. “Wish I could turn back time and…” He didn’t finish the sentence, but it was obvious what he was thinking. He was sorry I didn’t have such a warm and happy family anymore, one who loved me unconditionally like his own. I held Remmy tight. I doubted it was pity, his beautiful soul simply felt pure sadness at my loss. Remmy pulled me closer with a hand around my neck and kissed me.

  “I think we should get dressed. We have a long, exhausting day ahead of us,” he whispered before kissing me one last time. Reluctantly, I let Remmy roll over, and we got out of bed. Halfway into our clothes for the day, a knock sounded at the door.

  Donna stuck her head inside, eyes bright and alert. “Good morning, you two.” Dressed in a navy and white pantsuit she looked fantastic, not a hair out of place and her makeup probably took an hour to put on.

  “Morning, Mom,” Remmy said with a mischievous grin, the one I was beginning to associate with him. “How may I help you this fine day?”

  “Oh, don’t you start, boy.” Donna shook her head, her hands on her hips. She walked into the room, caring very little about our state of undress. “I’m delegating you two to breakfast duty. Do you think you can handle it? The kids are still asleep.”

  “Sure thing, Mom.” Remmy beamed. “Leave it to us to make the best North Pole breakfast in history.” Turning to me he said, “I’ve wanted to do this for ages.”

  “Thanks, hon,” Donna said relieved, reaching out to ruffle Remmy’s hair, which stuck up in silly turquoise spikes. “I appreciate your help. Now get dressed before you freeze your balls off.”

  “Mom!” Remmy yelped when she pinched his ass cheek.

  When the door closed behind Donna, he turned toward me, and I asked, “What’s a North Pole breakfast?”

  “It’s basically a Christmas-themed breakfast. Every first of December Mom would make the whole family a North Pole breakfast,” Remmy beamed. “Then we’d do it again on Christmas morning. We had to literally lick our plates clean and wash our mugs and bowls before we got to open our presents. Everyone, especially Mom and Dad, would take their sweet time. Let me tell you, for my preteen self it was pure torture.”

  “Aw.” I went to Remmy and wrapped my arms around his shoulders from behind.

  He mirrored my movement and said, “You ready to help me keep the tradition and magic alive for the little ones?”

  “Sure.” I laughed and pulled Remmy closer and closer. Then he kissed me on the nose, and it was silly and fantastic, and I was suddenly so giddy I wanted to shout. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror’s reflection, and my goofy smile made me grin even harder. If this was falling in love, I liked it.

  We got dressed quickly then headed downstairs. He’d asked his mom for recipes and ideas, and they ended up poring over Instagram and Pinterest. Half an hour later they had a plan, and he and I went to work. In the kitchen now, Remmy prepared a huge bowl of oatmeal which he decorated with the kiwi he had me cut. I handed him dried cranberries as well. Then he showed me how to make a snowman out of bananas and strawberries.

  Remmy handed me a small glass bowl with more cut fruits and pecans. “Now you make a reindeer face out of blueberries and strawberries.” I nodded gamely and went to work. I’d never done anything like this! Barely ever cooked, really, and never had a family to prepare such a fancy breakfast for. It always had to be quick—cereals and protein bars and maybe a banana or yogurt on the go.

  When everything was ready to serve, I helped Remmy set the table in true Christmas fashion. In a matter of moments, everything was a shade of red or green with white snowflakes, cotton balls of snow and store-bought candy canes decorated each snowman-shaped placemat.

  “I can’t believe Mom put so much effort and time into making our Christmases this special,” Remmy mused, admiring our handiwork. “It’s a lot of work.”

  I agreed and hoped Remmy could tell how much fun I’d had putting all of this together with him. “You know,” he was saying, “I was about to give up halfway through those reindeer pancakes, but then I saw the smile on your face while you were frying the bacon that would turn into the reindeer antlers, and it was everything.” His eyes twinkled and the red of his cheeks deepened. My heart tripped over itself.

  I laughed and rubbed my arm with my free hand, all of a sudden shy and embarrassed at his ability to read me so well. Remmy nudged me with his elbow. “Come on; let’s get this show on the road. The kids will be storming the kitchen any moment now.”

  I followed Remmy’s orders and together we brought out the cupcakes Donna baked the night before. Remmy went to get the others while I filled everyone’s mug with hot chocolate and topped them off with marshmallows and strawberries. In the center of the table sat a Christmas tree the size of a cat, decorated with tiny baubles and bright lights the colors of the rainbow. Around it stood North Pole themed ceramic figures—elves and reindeer, snowmen, and Santa. It was kitchy as hell but I kinda liked it.

  Tara and Gordo came running through the living room, followed by Oliver, who carried a sleepy Peanut to the dinner table. His parents both joined them moments later with the rest of the family in tow.

  Afterward, we all gathered around the brightly lit Christmas tree in the living room. The adults took their seats on the sofa and love seats, and the kids sat on throw pillows on the floor. The kids, Remmy and I included, had to pose in front of the tree where Carlos took photos of each and then as a group. They’d made a tradition to take a picture each year in the same poses, and Donna kept an ongoing collection for a photo series that showed them growing up. Remmy hadn’t been kidding when he said his family was into traditions. This was something else.

  Then it was time for presents. Remmy went first. He bought everyone gift cards, which he told me he’d already purchased back in July. Rosa and Alessia both glared at him as they each opened their sparkly red envelopes.

  “What?” Remmy asked, trying to hide a smile behind his third cup of hot chocolate. “You suddenly don’t shop at Gap anymore?”

  “Is that what we’re worth to you? A plastic card worth twenty bucks?”

  “What do you want from me?” Remmy threw his hands in the air in a dramatic fashion. “I’m a very busy college student. I don’t have the energy to ponder what new perfume or color lipstick you guys might be into this year. This way you can get yourselves something you actually like.”

  “But you could’ve at least—” Alessia started, but their mom cut her off.

  “Oh, you guys, stop giving your brother a hard time,” Donna chided, glaring at each of them in turn. “Play nice. You might need one of his kidneys one day.”

  Everyone cracked up at that.

  Donna chuckled and then shushed Remmy, who protested with a loud “Mom!” She took a sip of eggnog. “In all seriousness, our Remmy’s been busy,
and he still tried to make you happy. Be thankful.”

  “Yeah, you big brats. Be thankful I still love you.” Remmy stuck out his tongue. Rosa threw a pillow at him. Remmy laughed and reached for the table, picked up a snowman cookie and made as if to throw it. Donna told him to stop.

  “Don’t you dare, Remington.”

  “What?” Remmy beamed an angelic smile at his mom. “And don’t call me that.” His smile transformed into a pained grimace.

  “We don’t play with food.” Donna said. “And that’s your name, so I call you Remington whenever I damn well please.”

  “I’m not playing with food though.” Remmy made a show of rolling his eyes and biting off the snowman’s head. He munched away happily at the cookie. “At least not until later tonight,” he stage-whispered in my direction. Our eyes met and I wanted to die.

  Donna shot Remmy an exasperated look and everyone laughed. The rest of the gift exchange was a noisy affair and full of smiles, squeals, and more laughter.

  While the kids were engrossed in assembling the toys they’d gotten, I cleared my throat and nudged Remmy.

  “Is it time to give you my gift yet?”

  “Oh! Yes, you may dazzle me with your fantastic talent of gift giving.”

  I dug into the bag from Walgreens and produced a packet of Starburst Jelly Beans, a large candy cane—because when I saw it at the store I thought why not—and a pair of boxers that were decorated all over with wooden nutcrackers wearing sailor costumes.

  “Starburst!” Remmy grinned and held up the underwear. “And fun undies. I so approve.”

  My cheeks warmed. “Sorry I forgot to wrap it.”

  “I don’t care about that.” Remmy launched himself at me. He tugged me closer and whispered his thanks in my ear. My heart didn’t stop racing, and Remmy didn’t stop beaming. I was intimidated with his whole family in the room, but it was still wonderful.

  I picked up the drugstore bag once more, stood, and held it close to my chest. I swallowed, feeling suddenly doubly more nervous than before. “I have some more presents. It’s not much, but I hope you guys like it anyway. I didn’t want to come with empty hands, so…” I held out a green Yankee Candle for Donna, then handed Carlos a pair of navy socks.