All or Nothing Read online

  I laughed, liking the idea a lot. “Okay, let’s do this.” I wanted to get Remmy something for Christmas. It would be fun to exchange gifts, even if they were last minute.

  “I’ll let my dad know.” Remmy reached for his phone. To me he said, “We could start a new tradition even—my family is all about traditions!”

  “Like what?”

  “Last minute drugstore Christmas gift shopping.” Remmy sounded so excited, it was contagious. I couldn’t help but smile too.

  A few minutes later I followed Remmy’s dad into the nearest Walgreens parking lot.

  “I hope you’re a faster shopper than my sisters. Dad says we have like fifteen minutes before he’ll come looking for us,” Remmy told me with a grimace as we entered the store.

  “Does he think we’ll escape through the bathroom window like two criminals on the run?” I joked and Remmy burst out laughing, startling an old lady in a neon-orange bomber jacket and huge sunglasses which covered half her wrinkly face.

  “Who knows with parents, right?” Remmy said and I nodded in agreement, but I couldn’t recall what it was like having overbearing parents. I didn’t want to dwell on it.

  “Hurry then and meet me at the entrance in fifteen.” I nudged Remmy who was beaming with excitement. Then he was off, and I had barely enough time to come up with a unique gift for Remmy. Unlike me, he probably lived for the thrill.

  When I walked up to the cashier, Remmy was handing his ten dollar bill over to a bored-looking redheaded teenager. I hid my pickings behind my back. Whatever he’d purchased had vanished into a plastic bag before I could get a glimpse of it. Pocketing the change, Remmy picked up a small bag of Hershey’s Kisses and addressed the girl behind the register.

  “I hope you like chocolate,” he said and held out the pack of Hershey’s Kisses to her. Surprise colored her face. Remmy looked uncertain. “Oh. Maybe I should have also gotten something savory so you could pick and choose whichever you preferred.”

  “I’m sorry, what?” The girl stared at him with wide, uncertain eyes like he’d suddenly transformed into a two-headed monkey in front of her.

  “Oh, wait, I hope you don’t think—I’m not coming on to you; I swear.” Remmy’s cheeks flushed red in embarrassment. Likely he hadn’t considered she might mistake his gift as a come on. “I…uh…I wanted to do something nice for you since you have to work on Christmas Eve, and…well…it must suck.” Remmy shrugged.

  His rambling speech earned him a shy smile and a “Thanks, that’s very sweet of you” as the cashier accepted the Hershey’s Kisses. Remmy stumbled away, cheeks blazing. Another customer got in front of me. When Remmy looked my way he waved, trying to look around the tall middle-aged man to see what I’d gotten him.

  “Close your eyes!” I called out and drew the attention of a few other customers. I didn’t care. Remmy laughed but didn’t move or close his eyes. I said, “Go and wait outside, Remmy.”

  He stuck out his tongue and then turned around, disappearing as it was my turn to pay.

  ♥

  Chapter Eleven

  Remmy

  Mom opened the door at the first ring and threw her arms around me with so much force it nearly knocked us both off the porch steps. I sighed and inhaled deeply, the familiar scent of home flooding me with nostalgia. Holding onto her again after so many months away at college was wonderful. Summer suddenly felt so long ago. I had to admit I missed my family.

  “It’s good to see you again, honey,” Mom said, still holding me close. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed that God-awful color on your head. We’ll talk about it later.”

  “Not much to talk about, Mom.” I lifted my shoulders awkwardly in a shrug. Mom raised her eyebrows, unimpressed. “It’s not like I can change it back right now, you know. I could shave it off, but I really don’t want to.”

  “I could always make you,” Mom said, smirking a little devilishly. Her look was challenging. “You know where your Dad keeps his electric clippers. Takes about ten minutes.”

  “Mom!” I gaped at her, horrified. “You wouldn’t!”

  “Oh, trust me, love. I totally would.” Mom laughed and flashed a smile at Carter. “He’s always been such a troublemaker.” She made a tsk sound and then pushed past me to greet Carter. “Well, you must be Remmy’s friend!” Without warning, she hugged Carter to her chest like a long-lost son.

  “His name is Carter,” I offered helpfully, watching his eyes grow wide as saucers. He’d probably not expected my mom to be so affectionate with strangers.

  “I know, darling,” she chastised. “Do you think me so old now I don’t remember anything you tell me mere hours before?” She let go of Carter’s shoulders and reached for his hand, giving him a good squeeze. “It’s so lovely to meet you, Carter.” Mom beamed at him, and my heart tumbled in my chest. I adored my mom and seeing her with Carter gave me the strangest feelings. This. I want to hold on to this moment forever.

  “Mom? By the way, you didn’t have to send Dad out to get us. Carter’s car is working just fine, you know. We were getting ready to leave when he showed up.” I still couldn’t believe he came all the way to our hotel; he could be so embarrassing!

  “Your dad and I both were up all night worrying about you. It was the least we could do to make sure you’d get home safely.” She leveled me with a glare. “You wouldn’t tell us anything when I called. I didn’t know if you were all right.”

  “Mom, I’m old enough to handle these things myself. We would’ve made it home, no problem.”

  Mom rolled her eyes heavenward and ushered us into the house. I introduced Carter to my older sisters, Alessia and Rosa, and as they stormed into the hallway from somewhere in the house, Rosa’s kids, Tara and Gordo.

  “The little ones are four and six years old and might enslave you to paint nails, be their guitarist, and build a fort by the time we sit down for dinner.” I stepped closer and rested my hand on Carter’s shoulder. “Consider yourself warned; they might be tiny but they take their fort building very seriously.”

  “I’ll do my best.” Carter grinned, and his soft expression as he watched the kids wrestle in the hallway made my heart beat faster. I couldn’t help but swoon a little on the inside. How was this guy so adorable and sexy at the same time? It wasn’t fair. I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off him. That’ll be a challenge, what with my parents and sisters so close at all times.

  And as if to prove my internal dilemma, I now had the whole family looking at us with a strange mix of expressions on their faces. I didn’t want to answer awkward questions, and they would come if I gave them enough time. Quickly I put both hands on Carter and pushed him farther down the hall. I pointed out the guest bathroom and kitchen.

  “Wow, it smells good in here!” Carter said as we stopped in front of the living room.

  “Rum cake,” Mom announced proudly. Every year Mom made a sort of fruit cake with lots of rum; it was her specialty. When Carter met her gaze, her face lit up like she’d had the most brilliant idea. “Come along, Carter. Be a dear and help me with the coffee.” She took his arm in hers and guided him through an überkitchy-decorated threshold into the kitchen.

  “Want to watch Home Alone with me?” Gordo looked up at me. Who could say no to that chubby little face?

  “Sure thing.” I reached down and took Gordo’s hand in mine after we fist-bumped. It was our thing; Gordo had seen it on some Disney show and wanted to do it all the time now.

  “But we were watching Frozen!” Tara complained, pulling at her red velvet dress. “It’s not done!” She reached for my other hand, wrapped her small, sticky fingers around mine and tugged. “Pleeeease?”

  “Boys don’t want to watch Frozen,” Gordo explained with a serious face. He tugged at my hand. “We’re gonna watch Home Alone now. You can finish Frozen later if you want.”

  “I want to watch it now! You’re mean! I’m gonna tell Grandma,” Tara whined and pushed my hand away before storming off, her braids b
ouncing and dress flowing. I let her deal with her four-year-old struggles in her own way. Sure, I wasn’t happy seeing her upset, but I’d learned my lessons. Getting between those two was never a good idea.

  We found my younger brother Oliver and my sisters’ husbands, Patrick and Roberto, playing cards in front of the TV. On the screen Frozen was paused, with Olaf and lots of snow filling the huge flat screen. I went to greet the others with hugs and back slaps. My dad wandered in after me, an enormous book under his arm, undoubtedly a collection of essays by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author. It was the sort of thing he liked; that and novels set during World War II and the early 20th century. Gordo changed movies like a pro, and I got settled on the sofa.

  I shot my brother a look. “Dude, I love your hair.” Oliver beamed a shy smile back. In all our talks, Mom had forgotten to mention the red hair. Streaks of Oliver’s black hair had been bleached, I guessed, then dyed a fantastic shade of cherry red, so unlike anything he’d ever sported. Oliver’s clothes were also very different compared to when I’d been home last summer. Today Oliver wore a baggy white tee under an ill-fitting jean jacket adorned with colorful patches, from rock band logos to anime faces and computer game characters. His dark pants were also a couple sizes too big and his socks neon and mismatched.

  The last time I’d seen my brother, Oliver hadn’t stood out quite as much; instead, he’d worn his hair short and unassuming, and his wardrobe had been more on the low-key emo side. Our mom had warned me about Oliver’s changes, and we’d spent one long phone call pondering the cause of it. I told her it was normal for teenagers to go through phases—I clearly remembered my strange fifties phase and my own emo punk days. She’d argued Oliver might miss his older brother so much he started dressing like me. I’d laughed it off, but witnessing it now I wasn’t sure whether I should feel flattered or alarmed.

  Somewhere around fifteen to twenty minutes into the movie Tara came running into the living room—all bouncy and bright smiles, the previous argument seemingly forgotten—to fetch me and the others for cake and coffee. On our way to the dining room, I caught a glimpse of Carter wearing a bright-yellow apron and whipping fresh cream.

  I let everyone pass, then went inside and came to a halt at Carter’s left side. He startled when I put a hand on his shoulder. “Leave some of that for later,” I said, keeping my voice low enough not to be overheard by a nosy family member. I dipped two fingers into the snow-white whipped cream and brought them to my lips. Carter tracked the movement with hungry eyes. I licked them clean and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. How I wished we could grab a bowl of whipped cream and disappear into my old bedroom for the next twenty-four hours or so. The intrigued expression on his face likely meant similar thoughts were running through his head. Instinctively, I drifted closer and closer with only one goal in mind: Carter’s lips on mine.

  There was a loud bang—likely a door being slammed shut—somewhere in the house and Carter jumped like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I laughed—more nervous laughter than real amusement—because I’d be lying if I said my heart hadn’t skipped a beat or two for a moment imagining someone storming in while I was about to kiss the guy I’d brought home for Christmas. Who everyone assumed was a friend from college and not someone I was crushing on hard. My family knew I was gay, so why was it such a big deal to reveal the truth? I assumed it had to do with the fact that our relationship was brand new and fragile, like everything would fall apart if we so much as talked about it. With my lack of experience when it came to this sort of thing, I worried I’d be too enthusiastic and scare Carter away.

  Not a second later, Rosa barreled into the kitchen. I’d forgotten how much I missed her loud, melodic voice as she barked out orders. For a moment I admired her stylish bob, loving how glossy the caramel highlights were, shining under the bright lamplight. “What?” she asked with an impatient look. “Do I have something on my face?”

  Stopping myself from hurling playful insults her way, like we used to when we were younger, I shook my head and smiled. “You look good, Rosa,” I told her honestly.

  She raised her eyebrows, surprised. “Thank you.” A dazzling smile lit up her face. See? I could act like an adult.

  Something nudged my side. Carter’s elbow. “You okay?” I asked him, watching as he picked up a tray of cups, sugar, and spoons, as instructed by Rosa.

  Carter nodded and smiled shyly. “Sure,” he said. With flushed cheeks, he added, “Oh, and by the way? Your mom’s great.”

  Wait, what?

  “Did she say or do anything weird?”

  “Weird? Like what?” Carter chuckled. “She didn’t show me your baby photos, if you’re worried about that. I promise. She wanted to know about school and what I want to do after graduation.”

  “Okay, good.” I grabbed the cake and cream and started for the door. “You never know with her.”

  Together we brought out coffee, tea, muffins for the kids, and Mom’s famous buttered-rum cake. I made a show of introducing my sister’s husbands and younger brother, Oliver, to Carter as everyone gathered around the table while Alessia was pouring everyone coffee and some fruity caffeine-free tea for Dad and the kids.

  “Dogs or cats?” Tara asked with a serious face while breaking off a big piece of her blueberry muffin.

  Her question was directed at Carter, who gamely answered, “Dogs.”

  Carter and I shared a look. I’d mentioned how much I missed my dog when I’m away at college. As if on cue, Peanut came trudging through the kitchen door, belatedly noting the party had moved on to the other room, or perhaps only now realizing where all the food had gone to. The past couple of years hadn’t been too kind to her, and now with her fourteen years, she was deaf and her vision was starting to fail her too.

  “Good answer,” I told Carter and patted his leg under the table. Carter’s cheeks reddened. Then I reached down to pat the old beagle. I told her, “You’re such a good girl, my little Peanut.”

  “Chocolate or vanilla?” Gordo chimed from Carter’s left.

  “Uh, neither? I like raspberry.”

  “You have to pick between the two!” Gordo argued and his sister agreed easily, munching on her muffin. “That’s right, you have to choose chocolate or vanilla.”

  “Vanilla then.”

  I caught Carter’s eyes, and flashed him a secret smile. “Vanilla, huh?” With my fork, I speared a piece of rum cake and dipped it in whipped cream. I made a show of eating it slowly.

  “Yep.” Carter pretended not to acknowledge the double entendre. “I never was a fan of chocolate, too sweet for me.”

  “How can you not like chocolate ice cream?” I gasped and gave him my best scandalized look. “How is that even possible?” I shoved cake into my mouth and quickly chewed.

  Carter shrugged. “I like chocolate bars though.”

  “Thank God. I feared this friendship was over.” Pleased with making Carter smile, I took another piece of cake dipped in whipped cream and made a show of gobbling it down. I nearly choked swallowing. Carter shook his head, amused. The kids ignored me completely.

  “Zoo or aquarium?”

  Carter pondered this for a moment. “Zoo? I have never been to an aquarium.”

  “What, never?” Gordo asked and his sister talked right over him.

  “Earth or space?”

  Carter was starting to struggle to keep up with the kids.

  “Earth.” The word came so fast it was possible he said the first thing that popped into his head. I wouldn’t blame him.

  “You’re weird.” Gordo told him.

  “Why?” Carter and I both wanted to know.

  “Earth is boring and everyone else always picks space.”

  “Maybe everyone else is weird then,” I chimed in, and the siblings ignored me. Again.

  “Summer or winter?”

  “Summer.”

  “Obviously. Nobody in their right mind choses winter over summer.” I pulled a grimac
e then went for more whipped cream and cake. Did I mention I really liked whipped cream? I couldn’t wait to show Carter just how much.

  “Be quiet, Remmy. We’re not talking to you,” Gordo told him.

  Tara agreed. “Yeah, we’re interviewing your boyfriend. We already know you.”

  Carter’s jaw dropped comically. He shot me a glance. I asked Tara, “Why do you think Carter is my boyfriend?”

  Tara made a duh-isn’t-it-obvious face. “Because it’s Christmas, and you don’t bring friends over on Christmas, only boyfriends or girlfriends.”

  “What? No. You can invite friends on Christmas, Tara,” I told her. “And you know, sometimes friends don’t have a home to go to. They’ll be happy if they don’t have to be alone.”

  “Even on Christmas?”

  “Even on Christmas. And sometimes your friend’s family might be too far away, like when you’re in college, and your home is in another state, and you can’t travel to see them. Isn’t it nice if someone invites them to celebrate Christmas with their family?”

  “I guess.” Tara spared me one last look, then went right back to business. With a serious face, she asked Carter, “Do you have a hidden talent?”

  “I sure do. I can bend my fingers backward.” Despite his words and the change of topic, something wistful had crept into his expression. Did he regret agreeing to come home with me and spending Christmas with literal strangers? Were the kids annoying him already? They could be too much but he’d been so at ease until now. Maybe he missed his parents and wanted to be alone, and not surrounded by people he barely knew.

  “You can bend your fingers back? How?” Gordo asked.

  Tara squealed. “I wanna see! Can you show me?”

  “Sure thing. Watch this.” Carter lifted his right hand, then used his other to easily bend his fingers so far back the tips touched his knuckles. It looked like they were made out of rubber. Yuck. It was kind of disconcerting. Everyone’s attention had turned to Carter and his little performance.

  Eyes wide, Tara gaped at Carter. “Does it hurt?”

  “Nope.” Carter shrugged. “It’s always been like that.”